Nostalgia

Every time I try to sum up the words I want to say, a cloud of oblivion always blocks my train of words. So I’ll make my post short.

It’s time for nostalgia.


Here is one word which many people don’t grammatically use that much, yet frequently take much time for. Here is one word people tend to take for granted when happiness is present, and badly want when adverse situations transpire. And I am one of the people who best describe my second intuition. Yes, I often use the word during the olden days of term and research papers; when formal themes are the rave in our English Class; when students ask the book dweebs to make one for them, in exchange of various favors. But then, I usually do nostalgia when adverse situations happen.


Truth be told, nostalgia doesn’t entirely entail the longing for lost love and funny memories associated with Eros. The wistfulness can also include thinking of the childhood days, when all you do is run to your Momma and cry when you’re gashed. It also entails the longing to go back to a time when Utopia seems like meters away from your reach, whatever events they are.


And one more thing: One can do nostalgia every time, and not just during the grim weather and stormy downpours. And that is why I write this post: To do nostalgia myself.

Have you ever wished of going back to the time when:

- the only joy for you was when Daddy brought you to McDonald’s and treated you a sundae ice cream?
- tripping and gashing your knee meant all the pain in the world for you?
- you first felt your heart breaking as your 8-year old best friend left and moved to another place?
- happiness was defined by your stuffed toy who used to understand your childish anguish in life?

I have. Yes. Back to the days when my father treated me to a fast-food diner; when mother was my nurse, doctor, and counselor rolled into one. When I experience petty (and sometimes big) fights with my woman, I usually sit back, shed a tear or two (yes, I am a cry-baby), then reminisce. It doesn’t necessarily mean I badly want to experience those nostalgic things again; I simply want to get a feel of what used to be my life before, how it was like, and how I can get some of those feel-good aura into my situation right now.


Sigh.


I wish I can always have the strength to be strong and not give way to mawkish moments. Then I wouldn’t have to rely on the priceless memories of my youth…


*sigh* I feel bad right now. A little nostalgia again; I hope this will help.

Rainy Days and Weekdays

*Clicks the ‘Play’ button in the Windows Media Player.
Now Playing: ‘Loving You’ by Jonathan Butler*

In a lazy Tuesday like today, when rains seem to pour their hearts out and skies depict the gloomiest of moods, nothing would seem better than sitting back, sip from your cup of espresso and enjoy the music that suits your mood.

Oh.

Forget the alcove of murk the weather might hint on you. Rainy days can be the best times to think.

Yes. Think.

Imagine: In a hustle and bustle world of sunny Junes and manic Mondays, no one would have the ample time to sit back and reflect on the things he has in his life. Workloads, stress, and strains here and there – no one would bother to think of what he should be thankful for when these things are present like manna from the sky. Yes. I’m dead serious. Time would be of the essence to waste, and for most of us, taking a time out just to be grateful is one heck of a time-waster.

Au contraire, when it rains, you tend to stop when you’re walking without your umbrella. You slow down when you’re driving to ensure yourself (and your family with you) of safety. Supposing your work entails you to sweat it out on the filed, you stop from work when it rains; your prospective clients are doing the same thing. When it rains, our activities slow down or stop. Then we go to places or do things to while the time until the rain subsides. While idling, we have all the time in the world to thank God for everything we have right now. ‘Everything’ may include our partner in life, our stable job, our health, et al.

*Now Playing: ‘El Amor de mi Vida’ by Ricky Martin*

For some, watching the rain shift from the usual drizzles to cloudbursts can be very disconcerting. Do you personally feel the same? I’ve known a handful of persons who would eventually wear a stressed mood after watching the rain pour down. W-ell, the weather can actually bring out the sentimental people in them, making them remember – rather than sweet – very poignant memories, doing a bitter colloquy with their own alter egos in solitude:

‘Remember Carl, the guy who broke your heart in Junior High? Has he already married?’
‘What if Becky had stayed? Would I have the courage to tell her I love her so?’
‘I miss Dad. How I wish he were still alive…’

Honestly, it really is disconcerting, considering the ordeals many people I’ve known have undergone. But then, despite the big possibility of experiencing the ever-changing moods, one can still smile and wear a happy disposition during and after the downpour. The secret: The Law of Attraction. Try this, guys. Think of positive thoughts and things you want to happen to you first thing in the morning. Take note: think of things you want to happen, and not the ones you don’t want to happen. Example, suppose you hate being picked upon. Think of what you want to happen (I want to be left alone) instead of what you do not want to transpire (I don’t want to get picked upon). The forces of the universe just seem to coincide with what you want to happen in your life. Haven’t you wondered why sometimes your misfortunes seem to keep piling up and the elements of the world seem to conspire against you? There must be something wrong with the way you perceive your day and how it will unfold.

Just a little segue right there. =)

*Now Playing: ‘Let It All Go’ by Workshy*

You probably know Karen Carpenter. You know, the girl who used to be ‘at the top of the world’; the one with the ‘ticket to ride’, who asks to love her for what she is and that she won’t last a day without you. Karen actually sang two songs which are sometimes played in succession. She sang ‘Rainy Days and Mondays’ (from which my title post for today was derived) and ‘Goodbye to Love’. Noteworthy are the following lines:

‘Sometimes I’d like to quit; nothing ever seems to fit… hanging around, nothing to do but frown; rainy days and Mondays always get me down…’

‘I’ll say goodbye to love, no one ever cared if I should live or die; time and time again the chance for love has passed me by…’

People (many of us, actually) feel the same towards the weather. And while my coffee is now ice-cold (thanks to the 20-degrees Celsius brought by the air conditioner), my emotions are ablaze. And no, no negative thoughts, no bitter memories; all thoughts ascribe to the present, past forgotten. And though the Carpenters songs begin to play in my mind now, any poignant memories of yesteryears aren’t anywhere near the horizon.

Yes, the ‘segue' I referred to a while ago isn’t just segue after all: To be able to smile the whole day despite the hard-nosed downpour of the rain, you have to think of happy thoughts – positive points and things you want to happen for the whole day. I myself have started the day with words of thanks – for the And though songs of heartbreak, lost love and elegy may begin to play repeatedly like broken records, you won’t seem to be undaunted at all: On with the day, with the smile on your face; keep worries away, despite the rainy days.

Except when you love to drink coffee during these times and you found out someone had emptied your cup. Just like today.


*Outro: ‘Bewitched’ by Workshy*

The Buffering Project

At the risk of sounding cliché, I’ll tell you this: I’m in love. It’s been two years and loose change and I’m still mesmerized with the woman I am in love with right now. It seems (and sounds) so unreasonable to conclude I won’t experience any turbulent times as long as there is love. In fact, I’m having the worst degree of paranoia I’ve ever had in my whole life.

How do you prolong a relationship? I am not in a position to answer the question, since the only ones I think who are qualified enough are couples who have been together for a quarter or even half of a century and still have maintained the intimacy that first bloomed between them. I mean, what does two years signify in comparison to a decade? 25 years? Half a century? Honestly, I have always been someone who’s always turned down by women because of my attitude; and I myself believed then that I wouldn’t be able to handle (let alone nurture) an active, healthy and growing relationship. So, the answer to the question can be asked to people who have seen the darkest years in their lives yet believed that being with their loved ones takes all the hardships away.

Try listening to a song online (imeem.com, for one) or watching a video (e.g., youtube.com). Do you notice how irritable you get when you listen or watch a song or a movie, it just stops because the buffer hasn’t finished yet? You tell yourself you badly want a website that doesn’t have that buffering thing anymore because, simply put, it doesn’t make you watch and listen straight and undisturbed. How’s it going to be, then, when your internet connection is slow and the server just couldn’t speed up? Do you just close the window and browse the site next time? Do you wait for the buffer to finish (assuming you really the video / song), since you think everything is worth the wait? Or do you search for another song / video, thinking that the file itself is the one with defects and not your service provider?

Buffers are helpful since it gives amount of time for the file to load, and after it’s done, one should be able to enjoy listening to or watching the file – all without further ado, bugs, and disturbances. How should we react if buffers are applied in relationships?

Buffers can be likened to challenges. They may come in many forms: Trust may be damaged, communication may be lacking, intimacy may be missing, physical contact may be rare. Whatever 'buffer' may be presented to us, how do we react?

-Do we 'close the window' – cool off – and hope it works the next time we try it again?
-Do we 'search for another file' – break up – thinking our partner has the problem, and not the 'server', which is the dimension called time?
-Do we 'wait for the buffer to finish' – not give up – thinking that like buffers in online files, challenges can strengthen the bond of relationships?

Only ourselves can answer that.

As I've told you, I'm so much in love. But honestly, I'm facing a buffer myself. If you were to ask me, I'm willing to wait for the buffer to do its thing. And as I do it, I'm trying my best in going down on my knees and even bleed, just to make the love of my life do the same. Both of us may claim we have been failing to make each other happy, but would that be enough basis to fall out from what was once dubbed as First and Last Romance?

Sure, buffers may be compared to doubts. And if that happens, how should one react, given he's been doubted? Of course, you don't let go. Neither do you nurture your pride. You act with humility instead, conceding that there must be something terrible you have committed or failed to do. Remember, doubts don't amount to the loss of trust. You have all the efforts in the world to make your partner vanquish them before they develop into mistrust. That's what exactly I'm doing right now.

I'm in love; the whole world has already known that as a fact. I'm not holding on just because of shame. Neither am I holding on because I'm thinking what a waste these would all be. I'm holding on – despite the buffers – because next to Godly and filial love, I've got something towards someone I'd never dare trading for anything and anyone else in the world. Despite the buffers, I'm holding on because I know how much joy and contentment in life I could get in return with her as my wife.

Buffers in a file may simply suck; but always think the other way around – buffers in life can help us how to be better people...and hold on to what for us means the word itself – our LIFE.

The Art of Letting Go

The title alone implies a topic most may find cheesy, but who am I to be blamed? I haven’t had any intellectual breakthrough the whole day, proof of which is the fact that my biorhythm calculator estimates my intellectual health would be down for the next 24 hours or so. So if the topic alone makes you cringe, like, *eeew*, you are free to abort your reading session. =)

Now let’s set our sights on the topic at hand. As you are reading now some of you may have just listened (or been listening) to a sad love song; others may have been reading (or have just read) stories about unrequited love and romance-turned-tragedy passages. Throughout history, people seem to be enjoying those kinds of material – Man meets girl, both fall madly; parents object, boy and girl defy the odds; man dies in the process, girl kills herself as well. In reality, the scenes are as grim as the cases of murder we stumble upon while reading our daily newspapers. They seem romantic and heartfelt when you read it, but I bet you won’t like it very much to see those scenes unfold right before your very eyes. You sing a song about having your interest as the ‘only thing you’re living for’, and that you’d rather what, ‘die than live without him/her’? I bet you guys won’t even bat an eyelash anymore just months after your failed relationships.

So what makes these passages click to the masses like hot chocolates? For one thing, imagining someone (more often a guy) making himself a fool for love – doing things for a girl, giving his all, being a martyr for someone not ready at the time to reciprocate his love – is one hell of a chivalry. Women would definitely love to see a guy turning things around – from chauvinist to chivalrous. Truth is, guys are simply rational than romantic. True. Seriously. Throughout time, men would rather give up their love interest in exchange of convenience and to elude any looming odds along the way. Women, however, do their process the other way around.

When love is unrequited, it’s the guys who simply walk off and feign that everything is alright. I don’t know, but as a guy I think most of us feel and act that way. What about women? Simply put, they are the major stockholders of the I Can’t Let Go Firm, where everybody there pretends failed relationships are part of human nature. But is it really that way? One thing: Letting go should NOT be a phase. We only say a situation is a phase when it is part of human nature. Why, an adage was even coined, saying ‘some guys just have all the luck’ – something that apparently states some guys don’t even experience reasonable pain (or severe, excruciating pain) in their lives. A phase can last a period, a time, a moment… or eons. And I think nobody would love treating letting go as a phase for the ages.

Well, letting go should be an ART. It is something you should perfect. It’s like a skill; you do it the first time, things won’t be easy. You do it the next time, things become much easier. Then time comes that you have mastered it, you don’t find yourself brooding for the loss of something or someone for a long period of time. The art of letting go applies not only in our topic above, but in other things as well.

I’ll give you an example: Suppose you own a wallet. It’s not expensive; you may have bought it at a bargain price, or your mom gave it to you decades ago. Nevertheless, you simply treasure your wallet – you put important things there: your cash, cards, pictures, and even small notes. It doesn’t look like the best Louis Vuitton or a Gianni Versace signature design, but you always open it; you take out and put in things you need everyday.

One day your wallet got lost. Together with it are your money, cards, pictures, and small important notes. At first you find it hard to get over the loss. Should it be apt, then, to say you should undergo a ‘phase’ – which is letting go? Of course, the answer is no. Remember, you could have taken measures on how to prevent that thing to happen. Losing a wallet is not human nature; neglecting to be wary and take measures to prevent such things is what humans tend to do. If it’s not a phase, clearly it should be a skill – an art – one should master. At first, you tend to mope. You think the wallet might be returned along with your valuables. Then you hesitate to buy a new one, thinking you only want your wallet and not any other else.

Suddenly, you find yourself having the impulse to buy a new wallet. At first you don’t use it that much; you seldom bring it with you. As times go by, however, you begin to bring it more often. Then you start to put some things in it – your cash, then your cards. Then you put your pictures. Then you put the small things which have sentimental values to you. Then it will occur to you that you have already stopped thinking of your lost wallet, finally thinking that wherever your wallet may be (or whoever has it), it may be found by someone who is in dire need. And you start anew, taking in the precautions you forgot to consider the first time out.

That’s the point: Letting go should not be like a phase in which it happens like our systems’ integral cycles. Once you’ve mastered it as an art, I think crimes and suicide lines would be decimated by a large number.

And the passages most women would love to read? Well, they stay as they are: Mere passages that fascinate readers but aren’t scintillating at all in real life.

Eat Too Much, Sleep With Fear

Listening to Earth Wind & Fire’s ‘And Love Goes On’ can really charge you up. It kind of prompts me to stay awake, though the time now is 11 in the morning and my body feels like it has pummeled its way out of a whole day’s work. I feel lazy today; I’ve done my jobs, and I now find myself without something to do. Oh well, that simply explains why I’m busy typing right now (which surprises my manager *guffaws*).

I’m sorry I digress; I slept late last night. I couldn’t get to sleep at all, that I had to do the legendary technique many generations have taught me – count sheep. Love can always play an integral part in making one fall fast asleep or not to be able to sleep at all. Count to that the fact that sometimes we experience the phenomenon called Acute Pancreatitis (which aptly explains why there are cases of people dying in their most placid moment), which, I think, transpires naturally. There are actually scientific explanations behind the Pancreatitis thing, and one of them may be the excessive eating during nighttime. It must be considered that people who sleep (and don’t work) at night won’t do any exercise at all except to flex their mouths if they snore. So eating in excess may cause Pancreatitis. Honestly I don’t know how it should be properly correlated with the practice, but I think it makes sense.

I feel like I’ve toiled the whole day, and I couldn’t help but wishing the day to come to close. I want to go home and spend time with my bed. I haven’t a good night’s sleep in about a fortnight already, and I feel wasted from the moment this day started.

Heavens. I’m craving for a serving of Beef Stroganoff. I’m starving.